Trust & Mistrust (and some Hope)

I was invited to speak at a conference several weeks ago, and one of the topics that I was asked to present on was Trust. At the end of the talk, several delegates came to speak to me to share their thoughts and connect, and one gentleman stayed behind where we spoke extensively about the presentation and questions from the audience. We spoke about the importance of trust, how we’re living in a world of declining trust, and how trust is ever increasing in this framework of a sharing economy. We then spoke about family and our personal lives a little, and I shared with him about my son who was close to turning one. He then told me something I had never really thought about.

He said “Your son now only knows about trust. Trust and love. Trust and love from you, from your wife, from his grandparents, from the teachers at the nursery. He knows everyone has his best interest in mind, is always encouraging, very protective, doesn’t let him cry, get hungry, feel cold, or let him get hurt. He doesn’t need to be taught the concept of trust. It’s inherently part of everything he has experienced in life till now.” He paused, and then said:

“He will at some point be introduced to the concept of mistrust.”

As he said that sentence it suddenly struck me off balance. All of a sudden I thought about all the situations in the future when my son would be betrayed, would lose faith, have low confidence, and maybe have even anxiety & heightened insecurities in his life.

They say in psychological parlance we become “triggered.” We realize sharp changes like an increased heart rate or sweaty hands. We breathe more shallow and rapid as we take in more oxygen, preparing to bolt if we have to.

This flood of hormones can create other sensations like a quivering in our chest, arms, or even our voice. We may feel our faces get flush, our throat constricts, or even our jaw set. We’ve been hijacked.

More accurately, I had an amygdala hijack.

The term “amygdala hijack” was coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Goleman was one of the first to recognize that although we have evolved as a species, we retain an ancient structure in our brain that is designed to respond swiftly to a threat.

Now before it overwhelmed me I remembered I can prevent its consequences by using the six-second rule. Waiting for just six seconds causes my brain chemicals that cause amygdala hijacking to melt away. I took the six seconds, took a deep breath, placed my thoughts aside and continued the conversation. Later when I was at home, I took a few minutes to reflect on that statement and the introduction of mistrust.

A long night of reading led me to digest a lot of work from Erik Erikson. Erikson was an ego psychologist who developed one of the most popular and influential theories of childhood to adult development. Although his theory was impacted by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud’s work, Erikson’s theory is focused on Psychosocial Development rather than Psychosexual Development.

The stages that make up his theory are as follows:

Stage 1 — Trust vs. Mistrust
Stage 2 — Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
Stage 3 — Initiative vs. Guilt
Stage 4 — Industry vs. Inferiority
Stage 5 — Identity vs. Confusion
Stage 6 — Intimacy vs. Isolation
Stage 7 — Generativity vs. Stagnation
Stage 8 — Integrity vs. Despair

Erikson’s theory was that the first psychosocial crisis occurs during the first year or so of life (like Freud’s oral stage of psychosexual development). This led to his belief that the crisis is one of Trust vs. Mistrust.

At this stage, infants are uncertain about the world in which they live. To resolve these feelings of uncertainty, infants look towards their primary caregiver (often the mother) for stability and consistency of care. If infants receive consistent, predictable and reliable care, they will develop a sense of trust which they carry with them to other relationships, and they will be able to feel secure even when threatened.

If this is done successfully the driving virtue that will come through is Hope. By fostering a sense of trust, infants can then have hope that as problems arise, in all likelihood there will be others there as a source of support.

If the care has been unpredictable and unreliable, harsh or inconsistent, infants are then introduced to the concept of mistrust.

The trust between infants and parents is usually developed through the act of touching and physical interaction, as this often fosters a sense of familiarity and something all infants subconsciously remember as they grow older. Learning to trust others is the first essential step to learning how to have loving, supportive relationships with others and to have a strong positive self-image.

That doesn’t also mean that all mistrust is bad. According to Erikson, having a limited amount of mistrust is necessary. Without small measures of mistrust, children can become too trusting and consequently wouldn’t be aware when to be skeptical of people’s true intentions. He believed that at every state the “negative” pole was also necessary for growth. In the case of Stage 1, he believed it vital for infants to experience both trust and mistrust. If they only developed trust, they would become too gullible.

“It is clear,” said Erikson, “that the human infant must experience a goodly measure of mistrust in order to learn to trust discerningly.”

The key takeaway here is that infants come out of this stage with a favorable balance of trust over mistrust. If they do so, they have managed to develop the core ego of this stage, hope. Hope is the expectation that despite setbacks, anger, and disappointments, good things will happen.

The virtue of hope is a belief that one’s wishes are attainable despite the turmoil of the world.

We all have open limbic systems, where an individual can transmit signals that can alter sleep rhythms, immune functions, hormone levels, even cardiovascular functions inside the body of another. This is what allows couples to trigger surges of oxytocin in each other’s brains, creating that feeling of warmth, of connection, of love. Our limbic system’s open-loop design lets others change our very physiology and directly, how we feel.

Many studies have shown that Erikson’s theory can also be applied to an individual’s relationship with others. When you first meet and spend time with someone, you are inherently entering the Trust vs. Mistrust stage. You are starting to know the person and are formulating whether you should trust them or not. If you feel unsure, seemingly hesitant, and then decide that you cannot trust the person, you’ve established that this is not going to be a great relationship.

Most times as well, you come to realize that this individual is not sincere, does not have your best interests in mind, and is not present for you. You realize in that introduction of mistrust into that relationship that you need to be wary around them. I’m sure all of you will agree; this is simply exhausting.

To have to wonder if you can believe in someone.
If they can be relied upon.
If they are truly open with you.
If they are transparent and congruent.
If they accept you for who you are.

Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we could believe in others? Rely upon them? Know they are open, transparent and congruent with you? That they simply accept you for who you are?

Wouldn’t that building of trust and comfort give you that confidence to believe that others around us will also be like that? Wouldn’t that give us hope? Is that an important thing to believe in?

Is it important for my son to feel deep down in his heart that sensation of hope? He needs to have in his core the strength to keep going in the belief that things will get better?

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. “ — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

A strength and belief that in the many ups and downs in our lives that we may not see our paths clearly, but we should always be able to see that there is hope.

At its heart, hope is simply an inspirational force — something that gives life to our dreams and ambitions.

In his book, The Psychology of Hope, You Can Get Here from There, C.R. Snyder defines Hope as follows:

“The sum of the mental willpower and the willpower that you have for your goals.”

He defines willpower as, “a reservoir of determination and commitment that we can call on to help move us in the direction of (our)goal…”

He goes on to define willpower as, “a mental capacity we can call on to find one or more effective ways to reach our goals.”

A reservoir of determination. A mental capacity we can call on. I can’t think of a more empowering set of sentences such as these.

At the end of the day perhaps it’s simply about helping others feel hope, to feel that everything will be okay. We fail to remember the impact our actions have in our open-limbic environment, and how much it creates ‘truths’ in people’s minds.

So maybe that’s just the key, not to worry too much about the introduction of Mistrust, but to keep putting forward Trust, to help build upon beliefs of good, and to make sure we’re informed.

I hope I can continue to build hope in those I call my colleagues, my friends, my family. I hope I can build that trust in those I engage with, to be present and congruent, to ensure I build those beliefs so others will have them when they need it.

Most of all, I hope I can teach my son that hope will be the strength and guiding light for him when all else seems lost, and that tomorrow can be better than today.

After all, couldn’t we all use a little more hope in our lives?